Can You Tell Me How to Get to Bakery Street? + The Blind Baker

Title: Can You Tell Me How to Get to Bakery Street? (and Mini-Sequel: The Blind Baker)
Word Count: 500-600
Rating: G
Warnings: Confectionary violence
Summary: Written for this prompt on the kinkmeme: 221B, Bakery Street. John Wheatson and Sherloaf Holmes are on a roll, catching one villain after another. And there's only one person who can keep up with them - DI Lestrudel!
Also a small epilogue written for this prompt: So when I get excited I tend to talk much faster and carelessly than normal, and so one day my friend and I were discussing The Blind Banker, and I was really in the zone about something in the episode and accidentally said The Blind Baker. And then luckily, my friend didn't notice. Until I said it again two minutes later. Now she won't stop teasing me even though I am very careful every time I say it now. So can I get either an AU of TBB or just some crack as consolation?
A/N: It should be noted that most of the names for this came either from the original prompt, or from the wonderful #BakerStreet chat.




Sally turned as the newcomers approached, arms crossed in front of her vacuous middle. “Hallo, Freak. Come to look over your work, have you?”

“Oh, don’t be dull, Sergeant Donutvan.” Sherloaf Holmes grinned tauntingly back at her, as Johnnycake Wheatson smiled apologetically behind him. “Just because I’m home-baked, not sloppily mass-produced like the lot of you, is no reason to be jealous.” The pastry scowled and untwisted the tie of police tape, letting the two past.

The scene was brutal. Johnnycake winced, taking in the scattered crumbs and the vivid streaks of mint fondant on the walls. A thin layer of flour coated the floor.

“Ah, Sherloaf. Dr. Wheatson.” The Detective Inspector appeared next to them, his flaked dough peeling under stress.

“Lestrudel.” Sherloaf nodded curtly, then kneeled, pulling on a waxed-paper glove. The flour fluttered along the floor as Sherlock ran a hand through it, rubbing a few grains between his crusty fingers. “Aaaah…”

For a moment, everything froze. (Outside of Constable Eclairesky, who was already frozen.)

Sherloaf raised his head, eyes bright like currants. “Of course…potassium bromate!”

“Potassium bromate?” Lestrade raised a filo eyebrow. “That’s a banned additive!”

“Indeed.” With a thwack, Sherloaf removed the wax-paper glove and stood up. “Lucky you called me in. I doubt your bannocked buffoon could have figured this one out.”

Anderscone frowned furiously, strawberry jam dribbling down his front like angry red raindrops.

Carefully, Lestrudel approached the consulting detective. “We should get Dimmatzah, or at least Greggson--”

“Don’t bring Dimmatzah into this!” Sherloaf snapped. “The clout doesn’t even have yeast, what use would he be?” He turned to Johnnycake, sighing. “You know how much it pains me to say this, but--”

Johnnycake interrupted. “You want me to call Piecroft, don’t you?” Sherloaf grumbled his assent.

“Now wait just a minute!” Lestrudel barked. “What is going on? Sherloaf, do you know who did this or not?”

“Don’t get your pants in a bun, Lestrudel,” Sherloaf sighed. “This is the work…of Sebastian Morangue.”

Johnnycake’s insides felt like they were deflating, his gluten was churning and autolyzing within him.

“But…but that means…”

Leavened eyes looked back at him and nodded solemnly. “Moritarty.”

Lestrudel gaped, his sweet apple layers jiggling with shock. “But…but I thought he went over Reichenbuttercream Falls!”

“Apparently not. Come, Wheatson.” Sherloaf twirled, sesame seeds flying everywhere, and began to walk away.

“But wait…” The DI gave a nervous glance at the smeared fondant. “Do you know what he’s planning? Who’s going to be next?”

With a mischievous grin, Sherloaf turned back. “That’s the adventure, Lestrudel! If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.” And with a joyous shout, they were gone.


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Sequel Mini-Fill: The Blind Baker

"No no no, Wheatson, don't you see?" Sherloaf snarled, his crust rising in agitation. "That yellow buttercream over the portrait was a sign, for both Eddie Van Macaroon and Bryean Gelutinkis. I'm certain – obviously Dimmatzah missed it."

Jonnycake frowned, eyebrows furrowing crumbedly. "Shouldn't we tell...what's-his-name…your friend, Sebunstian?"

"No time for that now...we must investigate and find out what the buttercream means." A dirty-iced grin appeared on Sherloaf's face. "The glaze, Wheatson, is on!"

Eventually, they found out the buttercream referred to a cipher coded in copies of Gordon Ramsay Makes it Easy. They recovered the missing jade spatula, and all was well again. I mean, besides the sudden appearance of Sarah Soyer, a woman who Wheatson insisted on seeing even though she's clearly coeliac. But that's a different story…